How Stray Kids’ Bang Chan Has Been There For Me Without Even Knowing I Exist, A Confession

Trigger Warning: This might be triggering to someone who is struggling with personal issues and self love so please read carefully, and please take care of yourself; my instagram and twitter is always open for you guys, feel free to text me whenever!

 

Today (07/06/2023) is not a good day for me. I think I woke up at the wrong side of the bed, and I didn’t feel like getting up at all. This article is just a bunch of thoughts that keep folding and unfolding in my head since I woke up, and I would like to share them with you because some of you might relate to them, even if it’s for another person.

Disclaimer: I am writing this article to open my heart to you on a personal matter, and I don’t want something to be misunderstood among the things I am saying here, so please take this under consideration. This is probably only a small fragment of the things I have to say on this matter, and I would definitely love to hear you guys’ similar stories or experiences or feelings towards your idols, so please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments!

I met Stray Kids in ‘Victory Song’ era, and I have been a STAY ever since. My bias is HyunJin, from the first moment I laid eyes on him in ‘Chronosaurus’ and asked my friend about him. I have been in heaven and gone through hell with them, and I would gladly do it all over again if that meant I would get to still have them in my life after 4 years. I am saying this and I mean it with all my heart, I would do anything for them because they have been everything for me without even knowing I exist.

These past 4 years, I was in university. I made some friends, I lost some of them along the way. I found and lost myself multiple times, and I know it will happen again because as we go on in this life we grow as people we might lose some parts of ourselves and have the need to replace them with new ones, and that’s what makes us humans of course. These past months, I moved away from my uni town in one of the most beautiful islands in Greece, and I am currently living with my parents again, which is kind of draining when you’re used to living alone and being fully dependent on yourself for a really long time. I have fully embraced my decision to pursue a career in the music industry as a singer, a songwriter and a producer, and one of my idols in this industry is Bang Chan.

Bang Chan is someone I deeply admire and definitely look up to for a really long time now. I have found myself watching old videos of him composing Stray Kids songs, working until dawn, falling asleep on his laptop and keyboard, carrying the group on his shoulders through everything. I have watched him cry, be confident, lose confidence, gain strength, be vulnerable. I have listened to every single Stray Kids song and felt proud to be able to call myself a STAY. But lately, it’s kind of different.

Lately, I think I have found my lost strength and confidence thanks to Bang Chan. Let me explain. Lately, I have caught myself finding small pieces of me in everything Bang Chan does. From the most unimportant thing to the most crucial, I feel like I resemble him too much. From the way he cares about the ones he loves to the way he talks justice, from the way he treats himself to the way he jokes around, from the way he talks about the things that are important to him to the way he dreams about his goals in life and aims to make them come true. I have found myself thinking I am looking in a mirror every time I stumble across things like that. And it makes me feel safe. Knowing that there is someone out there that, not only do I admire them, but reminds me what it feels like to be me. What I mean and what I want to say with all this is, I think I have come to learn how to love myself by loving Bang Chan. Bang Chan, who to me is and always will be Chris (Bang Chan’s English name).

I think that caring about Chris would be the same as if I cared about myself. This is a paradox I have, I love myself, but I fail to care about myself sufficiently enough to help me. I know how to comfort myself, but I fail to protect myself. I know how to care about others and be there for them, but I fail to recognize that I need to be there for myself to, and even if I do see it, I don’t know how to do it. I have seen those things many times in Chris, and I have caught myself being really worried about him in the same way I should be worried about myself if I am in a similar situation. In a sense, worrying whenever I see Chris going through something I have gone through as well or whenever I see him being unfair to himself, those moments are just another reminder that I should show the same compassion and provide similar care to myself as well. It is really difficult to put myself in the position where I should recognize and admit that I need me too, but knowing what I would do to make sure he treats himself right if I could reminds me it would be nice if I cared about myself the same way I care about Chris. On days when I am not feeling like getting out of bed or I can’t find a reason why I woke up again, I tend to think what I would do if Chris was in the same position as me and I could actually do something about it, and that’s the one thing that gets me going in days like this. It might feel strange to say this, or it might sound odd to every one of you who is reading this, but it is quite healing and reassuring to know I am capable of loving someone so much that it makes me want to love myself too.

He is the reason I have found my confidence again and am ready to take a step towards my dream and gain myself a place in the music industry as I said earlier, and I owe him that much already. But I feel like this connection is deepened, because I can’t do otherwise than admit that I see myself in him. Bang Chan in the reason I feel like I could do anything I want to in life, and Chris is the reason I will not let me let myself down. And I will be forever grateful.